I feel foolish even writing about it. It's not like anything horrible happened. It has just been a little tough & I've had a few pity parties. It all started with the beginning of my non-existent summer vacation. (Oh how I curse Melrose Place & Amanda Woodward [Heather Locklear] for ever making me think that majoring in business meant you would work in a big advertising firm, wear cute suits & make lots of money doing nothing.) In business, the only thing summer vacation means is traffic is a little less in the mornings. So when you work from home, you don't even get that advantage! It just so happens that I have 2 very big projects coming up in July. Which means a lot of stress & long hours leading up to that. I was just kind of bummed out because I wanted summer to mean playing outside & going to the pool (that we don't have). It didn't help matters that Jake has been in between Daycares waiting for his summer program to start. I felt so guilty letting him watch that many videos while playing, but I didn't have much choice. Jake has had a hard time getting adjusted & his sleeping has been so off. I know I can't get too mad at him. He is only 2, he has moved twice in the last 6 months & is completely off schedule. But at the same time, he is a typical toddler, which can drive you to frustration. It seemed like each day, a new thing went wrong (computer crashing, Jake emptying 3 large totes of folded clothes, etc...). I was the one who took the pay cut & wanted to go part time & all I was doing was working. If I played with Jake, I was neglecting work. If I worked, I was neglecting Jake. I just felt like I was in a no win situation. Even writing this, I feel so silly & selfish. I know that there are so many others out there that are struggling with so much tougher stuff. I know that they would trade days in a heart beat & never complain. So each day I took a shower (because that is the one place I can't check my blackberry & Jake is terrified of the shower) and cry. I'd have my little pity party. Then I would get out of the shower & put on my big girl pants. So much of it is the "mommy" guilt. I think no matter what your situation is, there will always be stuff that you will feel guilty about. I think as mom's we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone. And when you feel like you fail, it just hits you pretty hard. But, it usually just takes a few things to remind you how lucky you are.
So the last few days have been this..
. On Wednesday, we had our annual check up with Jake's surgeon at Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. I cannot say enough great things about that hospital & staff. They are amazing & have been every time. They are so quick & are always on time. And they have such a nice staff. The doctors, the nurses, even the receptionist. I don't know what is in the water, but they are the happiest people. (Now, I realize that other when Jake was born, I've never been in the hospital, so I don't have a lot to compare to.) The appointment going so smoothly was a nice turn around from the last few weeks. But also, when you go to a children's hospital, you realize how lucky you are for your child's health. Things could be so much worse. It just really helped snap me out of my rut & my daily pity party. We've got some good news on the house selling front, so we are just keeping our fingers crossed. Jake started Mom's Day Out this week again, so that has been a complete life saver. We've ended up letting him skip his daytime nap so that it is easier for him to go to bed at night. While it makes me so sad to loose that nap, it makes me happy for him to go to bed at a normal bedtime & stay in bed. We are getting adjusted to living with the Bush's & we've increased their Internet speed since that was one of the reasons my computer kept locking up. (Hey, it's the little things that make your day go better.)Point of my long post? Just to remind myself that I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect & everything is not always going to work out perfectly. But I have a Heavenly Father who is perfect. And he will never give me more then I can handle.
1 comment:
such a sweet post, emma. i'm glad things are looking up :)
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